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| Just when I think there's an answer, the problem gets more complicated..scratch that...MORE problems arise...ughh.. I'm getting so sick of these burdens on my shoulder, this gray cloud that hangs over my head..to remind me...every day, every minute, every second...to remind me of what I'm holding at stake...what I'm risking...making this bet on life...I have everything to gain and everything to lose...does that even seem comprehensible? It's a win-all/lose-all situation...but for once...I don't want to think about the stakes..I don't want to think about how time is running out for me...I don't want to think of what will happen if I lose...does it even all make sense? I'm so tired and sick of thinking about "what-if's" and "what will happen's." SICK OF IT!!! *sighs* I don't know...the parents aren't really helping me through this...friends don't understand enough...or rather they can't because they aren't in my shoes...to realize how dire this situation is. I feel like screaming, crying, hitting something...I'm so frustrated...and at the same time...I'm so tired...I hate how emotionally unstable I can be...how one moment of sunshine and turn into thunder in a split second. I hate how easily I get influenced and affected by people...I hate how I'm so gullible...just....so sick of everything right now. I'm trying my best to be postive...to forget the past and only look forward...at the present...at what I CAN do and CAN save. I loathe this burden so. I know the only answer to my problem is to leave all of this behind..or well ignore it and only think of what I still have in my control and believe in myself. I don't want to fail anymore...I don't. I just...it would just help immensely if I could talk and get feedback from someone I can not only trust...but can understand the situation I'm in...can EMPATHIZE with me....NOT SYMPATHY, NOT APATHY, EMPATHY. I'm so close to running away from my problems again...but they caught up with me last semester...fast and hard...and most painful, so lesson learned there. And while I'm tired of telling the same old story over and over...I have yet to find the answer...I have yet to go through with things...I MUST keep my resolutions....it's just...there's SO MUCH at risk....but no more of that now...I'm done venting for now and must keep moving forward and forget the past...no matter how hard, no matter how painful or sad. There is only now...and I can only think, "I MUST." Hmm...I don't EVEN want to start w/ boys, but I will say this. Half the guys I know bore/disgust me....I hate the ones that see me not as a person but...well...they're quite shallow is all I will say...but...it's okay because I will wait...I'd RATHER wait.... I personally find the ones who try to be cool or show off to girls rather amusing...why? They try too hard.  Maybe b/c Valentine's Day is coming up and they're getting more desparate...either way....it's still sad. But anyhow, more of that for another day. Out. | | |
| Who goes to this thing anymore, much less write in it? I do apparently.  Lately it feels like things are....I don't know....everywhere. I mean, don't get me wrong, this semester has been good so far (if you exclude the stressful, intense school work obviously). In fact I've had some of the most content/calm moments that I've ever had in a long time. These past few weeks...there were times when I found myself genuinely smiling....for no reason at all!! I would smile b/c I was just loving life...a rarity for me these days. And yet...I find myself in situations...which are only made bigger for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I tend to make too big of a deal out of things, and that honestly always makes things worse for me. A bad habit of mine I suppose...overreacting that is.  Old habits do die hard. But while I'm desparately trying to be more indifferent or calm towards things, sometimes....my imagination just runs...along w/ my emotions...*sighs*  Maybe I'm looking for a change...a good one of course...I feel like it's same old same old. I don't know. I just know that it's a new year and I definitely don't want to go back to the way things once were. I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past even as I dangerously tread the borderline...I'm fighting hard to avoid it. Another important lesson I learned most recently: don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed. I was so busy dreaming up stuff and exaggerating everything that by the time reality hit, it was an utter disappointment for me. From guys to events to just life in general I suppose...don't expect too much and it won't be as disappointing. School's been a big B and I'm already loaded down with schoolwork. *sighs* Oh...but if that were the only problem life would be so much simpler. Boys in my life = More drama...??? Perhaps not exactly drama, but something like it. Or maybe it's only because I overanalyze and make things a big deal? Yeah....that's probably it. *sighs* Why must I always attract the wrong type of guys? Why must I always like guys that hold ideal first impressions, but become someone totally different once I've gotten to know the real them? Stupid, deceitful appearances.... It frustrates me to no end I tell you!!! Ohhh just so much to say and express.....but alas it is getting late and I am quite tired....perhaps I'll finish the rest of my ranting another day..... | | |
| Wow...so I haven't visited this place in a VERY long time, but w/ college and everything that's been happening, I haven't had much time to just sit here and update on my life like I'm doing right now.  Anywho, hmmm as far as the first semester of college went...well, there were some MAJOR, heartbreaking disappointments...BUT I've learned from them and I realize now how different things really are. One semester seemed to have just zoom right past me and here I find myself right around the corner of another year....just wow. In just one semester, I've learned more things than I ever learned from a year in highschool...or possibly those four years put together. I'm shocked to say the least...finding out a few things about myself that I never knew before...or rather I DID know, but chose to ignore. College has made me confront myself w/ many things, both good and bad. Emotionally, I'd have to say it's been one heck of a roller coaster ride (especially during finals week). I've had to face so many weaknesses and I've had to admit to myself that they WERE weaknesses. Despite all this though, while reflecting on all that's happened and having time to think over things, I feel myself...changing...? Not sure if that's the right word, but I find myself having a new attitude. Whereas I would usually fear everything and always feel sorry for myself, I now see my fears as challenges and I have renewed determination to give it my all next semester. Perhaps I'm improving in the confidence/self-esteem department as well. =) Good things, good things...all of which came out of horrible findings, but good nonetheless... I guess what I'm trying to say is....not so pleasant events had to occur before I could understand the lesson/moral behind it....if that seems tangible. =/ In any case, I've already made some New Year Resolutions for myself, resolutions that I'm determined to go through with.  On a brighter note, I've also found hidden strengths as well. All in all, I don't regret going to college far from home since it's teaching me to become a stronger, more independent person. I find myself slowing inching outside my little bubble and becoming more outgoing. Hmm...perhaps college does have its perks and isn't just another prison afterall.  | | |
| I
feel so...different? misunderstood? confused/conflicted? Blah, I don't
know, just so many emotions and self-arguments raging within me. So as
fast as it came, summer school ended just like that. I went from an
initially, emo/shy stricken girl who was constantly lonely and
homesick, to one who found out a little more about herself (if only a
little), along with a perhaps broader mind, accompanied by a few new,
awesome friends. Wow...I feel like this summer has taught me a thing or
two and I'm witnessing and finding myself in situations that I never
thought or even dreamed of being in...but does that necessarily make me
a "tainted"/ "bad" person? Am I to be automatically labled and insulted
for trespassing/exploring into new territory? Just the thought of it
frustrates me so!! 
Up until now, I had never truly understood or felt the full
bitterness/anger of being labeled by other people who draws up another
totally "different Jen." I've never felt so confused and hurt...I'm
still the same Jen..the silly, mischieveous, bubbly Jen I've always
been....except...except maybe I've "grown" more...baby step by baby
step. Does all this even make sense? It doesn't really matter either
way...I just needed to vent and nowhere better to do that than beloved,
ol' xanga right? I feel I've become more mature...bit by bit...but that
doesn't mean I've become someone else altogether...I...I really don't
even know anymore...a taste of college has shaken up my "perfect,"
little world where I could control everything...blah feel like I've
been through enough drama already and official college hasn't even
started yet...damn it all....what's a girl to do? 
I'm so thoroughly fed up with many things...boys....damn
excuses....cowardice....not only from myself but others as well. Not
particularly accusing anyone...just in general. Blah, I'm stuck in a
phase where I'm not a child, but I'm not an "adult" and at times I have
to be one or the other...but then again, I don't want to JUST be one or
the other...I'm just struggling with this squishing and suffocation of
both sides...sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe from it
all....*sighs* okay mind too confused and tired to even vent now...
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| Hmm...how to start...oh, wait, I already have... So here I was thinking I'd be sooo excited about college and new places and people, just new everything...NOT!! I'm more homesick than I could ever imagine and I miss my bestest buddies more than ever!!  And to think I have to take another four years of this (seeing as how this is only summer). *sighs* I don't know...I guess getting out of my "comfort zone" is more difficult than I imagined it would be. Reflections on classes: they like to CRAM!! And yet that still doesn't bother me as much as the fact that even though I'm only a freaking 2hrs. drive away from home, I feel lonelier and farther than ever. Damn it all...then again I never really was one to "roam" about freely...more of a family/friends kinda girlie I guess. OMG, I'm feeling so emo right now...curse it all!! | | |
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